Therapeutic exercise
The 36 Questions
That Bring You Closer
Known as the “36 questions to fall in love,” this emotional connection protocol comes from psychological research and is offered here in a therapeutic context.
Origin
These 36 questions were designed by psychologist Arthur Aron and his team in the 1990s, as part of research on generating interpersonal closeness between two people. The study showed that strangers could feel significant intimacy after answering these questions together in order of increasing depth. It is today one of the most cited tools in relationship psychology.
Important framing
This exercise is a tool for emotional connection, not a substitute for therapy. It may bring up emotions or sensitive subjects. If certain questions resonate strongly, that is valuable information to bring to a session. Feel free to pause or skip a question if you need to.
How to set up
1
Choose a quiet moment, without phones or distractions. Allow about 45 minutes to an hour.
2
Sit facing each other, ideally comfortably, somewhere you both feel safe.
3
Read the questions aloud, alternating or together. Each person answers before moving to the next.
4
The goal is not to “answer correctly” but to truly listen. Receive what the other shares without interrupting or judging.
5
Respect the order of the three blocks — the intensity increases progressively, and that is intentional.
If discomfort arises
If a question causes unease, strong emotion or a desire to close off: that is normal. You can skip it, rephrase it, or simply say “I’m not ready for that one today.” The exercise should never be forced. If emotions are very intense, stop and note what happened to discuss in a session.
Set IDiscovery
Questions 1 to 12 — Opening and lightness
01Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
02Would you like to be famous? In what way?
03Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
04What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
05When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
06If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
07Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
08Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
09For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set IIDepth
Questions 13 to 24 — Going deeper
13If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16What do you value most in a friendship?
17What is your most treasured memory?
18What is your most terrible memory?
19If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20What does friendship mean to you?
21What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set IIIVulnerability
Questions 25 to 36 — Intimacy and deep connection
25Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
28Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Debrief after the exercise
Once the 36 questions are finished, take a few minutes together to land. This moment is as important as the exercise itself.
You can guide yourselves with these simple questions:
What surprised you about what you shared or heard?
Is there a question you would like to return to?
How do you feel right now, here, with your partner?
If strong emotions came up, note them down to discuss in a session. That is often where the most useful therapeutic work begins.